October 22, 2025
Asking for a Dream
Last night, in the middle of the night, I asked the ayahuasca and Gaia to help me dream.
I didn’t feel like I slept very well, but I did have some dreams.
In one, I was in Marin, walking past two women. I felt drawn to them — curious — and then realized, I think that’s Noelle, my little sister.
I walked past them once, then again, and said, “Noelle.”
She was with another woman and said, “This is Cece, my girlfriend.”
She seemed kind of cold or indifferent to me, but I was so surprised — “Oh my gosh, you’re here.” She didn’t explain why she was in Marin, or what was happening with her house in Pennsylvania.
Then the scene shifted — there was a stage, and Noelle was on it. Melanie was there too. Noelle was trying to surprise Melanie.
Melanie looked amazing.
I’m forgetting a lot of the details now, but I remember that I was basically with Noelle and Melanie in the dream — together somehow.
I can’t remember much more.
Can’t remember if Pat was there.
I guess that’s all I got.
A Body Beginning to Speak
Yesterday evening, I started noticing my throat feeling a little sensitive — maybe a sore throat coming on.
Luckily, there was this lemon-ginger-honey tea, and I had two cups of it.
I think I ate a little too much dinner, though.
Last night was hard.
I had trouble falling asleep, and my mouth and throat kept feeling so dry. I was taking sips of water all night long and got up to go to the bathroom several times.
I used like a roll and a half of toilet paper — my stomach just didn’t feel quite right.
Not sure if it was diarrhea or just intestinal weirdness.
Maybe from all the beets I ate yesterday.
Maybe not.
This morning, I still feel my throat being sore.
Along with those scattered dreams, I could feel my body saying: slow down.
So I’m not going to the market this morning.
I’m not sure if I should do the ceremony tonight.
I’m going to rest, take a shower, and see how I feel.
I’m sipping electrolytes, brushing my teeth, staying warm.
I’ll decide later about the ceremony — but for now, I’m listening.
Just resting.
Letting my body guide the way.
A Day of Rest and Connection
Today I woke up at 7:30 and had breakfast — actually a little before that — and I had a massage scheduled for 10 a.m.
I stayed at breakfast for quite a while, talking. It was nice to connect with some of the different people on the retreat.
I can’t remember almost anyone’s name, unfortunately, but I’ve at least talked to almost everybody.
There’s a woman staying in the room next to me who seems to be very important to Hamilton. He treats her specially, greets her warmly — maybe they’re friends. She seems like she might be having a hard time, or maybe not. She’s interesting. Sometimes it even feels like the retreat is for her.
And yeah, I definitely feel a little stiffness, a little awkwardness between Hamilton and me — and that’s okay. It is what it is.
The Massage and the Talk
My massage at 10 was good. Not the best massage I’ve ever had, but still really good. I liked the oils she used. She was this tiny but powerful, strong woman, and at the end she rang a bell over me. There was lots of head massage. It was lovely — and it was free, included in the retreat.
It ended at 11, and then Hamilton gave a talk at 11:30 in the temple. The woman next door asked him questions I couldn’t quite hear, and then he talked for at least an hour, maybe more.
He can talk forever. He obviously knows a lot — extremely intelligent, knows a lot about a lot. He spoke about human creation, the planet, the evolution of humans, so many things.
I was kind of relieved when it was over.
Then we went to lunch.
Integration and the Afternoon
After lunch, at two, there was an integration session — only a handful of us went. It was Hamilton and the team: two couples who help during ceremonies, a guy named Christian across the room, and I think Hamilton’s partner or wife.
I shared a little — nothing too deep — and it was positive overall. Others talked about their experiences, some stronger or weaker than expected.
Afterward, I went back to my room, got my computer, and did some work until about 3:30. Then I changed out of my temple and massage clothes, put on my swimsuit and sarong, and went to the spa area.
They had heated up one of the pools for our group — there was a steam room, a salt scrub, two different saunas. I only went in the warm water, and it was nice. Talked to a few more people.
Dinner was at 6:30.
Finding Balance
I’m proud of myself for being social, even though a lot of the conversations don’t super interest me. I still want to connect, and I’ve had a little more capacity to be social today.
I can understand how someone might want a friend here — there are moments I feel a bit lonely — but I’ve been carrying on.
After dinner, I came back to my room. Stayed at dinner for a while, then came back, and that’s it.
Tomorrow, I’ll go to the market.
And at 5 p.m. — ceremony number two.