2026 What do I hope to explore?

I want to explore what it actually means to live from the understanding that love is already available to me.

In my first ceremony last year, my grandmother came to me immediately, and what I experienced from her was this enormous feeling of love and this understanding that all of this love was already within me. I didn't need to chase it. I didn't need to convince someone to give it to me. I didn't need to compromise myself in order to have access to it.

Over this past year, I think I've been shown all the places where I still don't quite live as though that's true.

I want to explore what happens if I stop organizing myself around being chosen. What happens if I can experience love, attraction, longing, intimacy and attachment without immediately needing those feelings to become a particular kind of relationship? What happens if I let relationships reveal themselves to me instead of trying to make them become something?

I want to understand how to love people deeply while continuing to belong to myself.

And I want to explore this in the rest of my life too. I want to understand where I'm still operating from the belief that I have to figure everything out, hold everything together, anticipate everything, fix everything or do everything myself. I want to become more aware of where I can ask for help, where I can co-create, where I can surrender, and where life may already be supporting me in ways that I don't recognize because I'm so busy trying to control the outcome.

2026 What do I wish to heal?

I want to heal the part of me that has believed that being loved requires me to become someone lovable.

I can see how much energy I have spent trying to be beautiful enough, easy enough, desirable enough, generous enough, accommodating enough, interesting enough, sexually appealing enough, emotionally undemanding enough. I've tried to have the beautiful meal and the clean house and the fresh sheets and the perfectly cared-for body and somehow make all of it look effortless, while underneath I was paddling furiously trying to sustain something that wasn't sustainable.

I want to heal the belief underneath that performance: that the actual, ordinary, complicated me might not be enough.

I want to heal the places where I've confused someone's inability or unwillingness to love me in the way I wanted with a verdict about my worth. And the places where I have stayed attached to fantasy because fantasy felt safer than asking directly for what I wanted and finding out whether the other person could actually meet me there.

I want to heal my tendency to abandon myself when I'm afraid of losing someone else.

I also want to heal some of my relationship with sadness, uncertainty and disappointment. I have sometimes treated difficult feelings as evidence that something has gone terribly wrong—that if loving someone hurts, I have to get rid of the relationship or the person or the feeling. I want more capacity to let feelings move through me without immediately needing to make them stop.

And I want help with the part of me that experiences caring as responsibility—the part that believes that if someone I love is suffering, I should somehow be able to fix it. I'm encountering this so deeply with my parents right now. I want to learn how to be present, loving and useful without making myself responsible for things that no human being can actually control: aging, illness, loss, other people's choices, time.

2026 What do I aspire to become?

I aspire to become someone who stays with herself.

Someone who treats herself and her life as sacred—not occasionally, not after everybody else has been taken care of, but as a fundamental orientation toward being alive.

I want to become someone who can say what she needs in real time. Someone who can say: I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I need help. I need space. I want more closeness. I don't want to be touched right now. This hurt me. I love you. This isn't working for me. I don't know yet.

I want to become someone who doesn't have to perform wellness, beauty, competence or ease in order to feel worthy of being loved.

I want to become more comfortable receiving. More comfortable asking. More comfortable allowing another person to care for me without immediately feeling that I have to earn it or repay it.

I want to become someone who can experience love without grasping at it, and who can let love take the form that is actually true rather than insisting that it take the form that would make me feel safest.

I want to take increasingly good care of my body as I get older, not from fear or punishment or the belief that my body needs to look different in order to be valuable, but because this is the body through which I get to experience my life. I want caring for myself to feel pleasurable, joyful and sustainable.

And I want to remember what I experienced in that second ceremony: that I am not doing this alone. That I am part of something much larger than myself. That there is help available. That there is mystery. That even the difficult and messy parts of being human belong here.

I don't think I aspire to become a completely different person.

I think I aspire to become more fully myself—without having to earn my right to be here, without abandoning myself for love, and without carrying the whole weight of my life as though everything depends on me.

I want to trust that I can love deeply, need other people, receive love, experience loss and disappointment, and still remain rooted in myself.

I want to learn how to participate in my life rather than constantly trying to control it.

2025 — What I Hope to Explore

I hope to explore who I am when I’m untethered from who I think I’m supposed to be — from the versions of me I’ve shaped for respect, validation, or belonging.
Who am I when I stop waiting for the “right time” to be myself?

I want to experience more peace, joy, and energy. To feel supported by the universe and the people in my life. To feel loved.
To treat myself as sacred — gently, lovingly — and tend to my own beauty way.

I want to explore the mission of my soul: what I’m here to do in this life.
To live after the healing — to step into doing, creating, offering, and embracing life fully.
To allow myself to change and become who I am meant to be now.

I hope to further explore my powerful, wise, sexual, sensual self — to own my strength, gentleness, and pace in creating a fulfilling sensual life.
I want to continue exploring — being more honest, real, direct, and engaged.

2025 — What I Wish to Heal

I wish to heal the parts of me that feel ugly, unworthy, small, or insignificant.
To release shame, self-criticism, and the belief that I’m unlovable or a failure for how I look or who I am.
To heal the opposition within myself — the inner war that turns anger inward and makes me suffer.

I wish to heal the part of me that pushes love away before I can be hurt, and the part that abandons myself for crumbs of love or approval.

I pray to heal my heart, body, mind, and soul from all past hurts, traumas, and disappointments — to see them with love, but no longer be ruled by them.
May the healed parts stay healed.
May I know my limits and still be bold in exploring what’s possible.
May I regulate myself without using others, and allow myself to be held, loved, and supported.

I wish to heal the patterns that keep me small — the desire to be seen as weak, pitiable, or dependent.
I wish to heal the part of me that felt silenced or unsafe — who couldn’t speak up, set boundaries, or protect herself.
May she now find her voice, her power, and her sovereignty.

I also wish to release any need for others to be different than they are.
I allow people to be themselves, and I clearly express who I am, what I need, and what is right for me — simply, lovingly, and with ease.

2025 — What I Aspire to Become

I aspire to become someone who is impeccably safe for myself.
Someone honest, authentic, and vulnerable — grounded in inner confidence rather than seeking approval.

I aspire to become secure, confident, and deeply self-knowing.
I stand firm in my truth and communicate my boundaries with love and clarity.
I speak my desires with courage and power, breathing deeply and speaking from my heart.

I desire to be connected, supported, and loved without depletion.
To be empowered and clear.
To speak my heart and mind freely.
To claim my space — and be with people who delight in the woman I am becoming.